A while would be an understatement.
I felt so compelled to write this morning, but considering how long it has been since my last entry and the events that have occurred, I'd end up overwhelming myself..

So instead, I just figure I'd loosen the lid a little before pouring out the whole jar.


Six months ago, I was in a completely different place, in a different time and space.
I have no regrets, just some tears and a smile on my face.


Looking at where I am now, I am still no where near my ideal destination, but like I just said, I have no regrets.
Although, I can't even plan in advance because my situation changes every day.



Alright, I have to stop for now. I feel like writing for hours, but I need rest before I have a surge of emotion and dehydrate from catharsis. I will return soon enough. Missed my blog ;)



{sigh} William.. your words, your melody, your magic. I don't know how I would be without them.
'call the surgeon, mend the pieces . . .'

1. Biko

2. Bastian

3. Russel

4. Nykke

5. Vox


1, 4, and 5 are androgynous.
Well, at least i think so..

I just hope that all my pups will fit the tag; who wants to live with a misnomer [story of my LIFE!]

This is not an argument to be conferred at large; I don’t aim to start a rally.
It is solely for friendship and to account for why this one is at a standstill.

What happened tonight was unfortunate, and I can’t help but feel glad that it did, because now we know how things are.

I believe we discussed this many times, but it just never stuck.
My kin and myself respect you and your values; how would you dare disrespect the nature of our lifestyle?
On the eve of the day that we are all hoping would bring progress to this culture, you mock us?

In any other situation, this would not be a significant matter. It is the fact that we confided in you as a friend with time spent sharing in our companionship, and now all is wasted. This is why we reacted the way we did, and why we can no longer continue such a contrived relationship.

I myself don’t know if it is worth fighting for these relations any longer.
Which is regrettable, since I am a person who aspires to not cut what you can untangle.
The bigger matter is that people who do follow your ideals do not understand the magnitude of their thoughts and actions.
In a society where all of us already feel separated, you have to capitalize on the fact that we will always be divided?

As my friend, I thought you agreed with how I carry myself and whom I set out to build friendships with. I assumed you understood that who I decide to build a companionship with is up to me and in no way affects you and yours, NOR WILL IT BE IMPACTED BY THE PRINCIPLES THAT YOU AND YOURS UPHOLD. Maybe I misunderstood things along the way.

We maintained our circle like second family, and for some, myself included, it is the only family that matters. With family, politics and religion should be shared and supported constructively, not disputed or oppressed. You say that you were just expressing your observation, that’s fair, but how could you not hear what was said and not understand that it was hurtful and so disgustingly ignorant? I can honestly say it was embarrassing to hear that statement come from a friend of MINE, because within that moment, I realized that you misunderstood all that we stand for. Unacceptable.

In my anger I feel like discussing how you should be more concerned about your own issues, but that would be petty and unnecessary. I say it all the time and I will again and again: check yourself first before you start evaluating others.



It’s funny; sometimes I ask, what if people followed a whole new faith, one that does not discriminate in any way or means whatsoever. Then I realize that I already have that faith.

My God upholds truth and love in all aspects, and will always be there when I need guidance and strength.
I pray to my God everyday, giving thanks and praise just for the fact that I was able to receive another glorious day.
I thank God for every single tribulation I have overcome through my twenty-one years, and twenty-four days on this Earth, because I am stronger.
I am thankful for every and all the struggles I endure, because I know that the moment it is over, I have lived and conquered and triumphed magnificently, and upheld the purpose and reason in living as I am.

In no way did I intend to turn this into an exhibition of myself, but I could not end it without saying that I tried to fully explain myself and attempt all I could to recover from this mess.

I could probably go on for days, but I do not like this feeling of deep rage, bitterness and grief altogether.

All I want is to wake up in a few hours to hear the final verdict, and know that, regardless of the decision on constitutionality, my friends [family] will still be here to support and sustain and uphold each other.

when you're crying to scream the truth you would have killed to deny.
[vying for Constance.]



it is most definitely time.

good end to a great semester.
but now, it's time to GET IT TOGETHER before Fall.
it's crucial I stay on track now, i have no excuse.
Spring cleaning: long over due.

Feelin like i've sudsided in my level of ferocity.

No, unacceptable.

although, this summer will be one to look forward to, being twenty-one and all.. but, again, that also means no more excuses!



things i CANNOT WAIT for and MUST check off by Fall:

_Jay-Oh-Bee!
_A Tat or two
_FRIENDS<3
_Auditioning, and subsequently booking slash performing
_Road Trip(s)
_New Apartment
_21+ clubs!!!!
_Beach
_Parties
_VEGAS!
_Pride
_The Bay
_Training: Vocal, Acting, & Dance
_Projects: Audio, Visual, Media, My Room, haha.
_FRIENDS<3

i hope i'm not getting carried away, but that's typical



now the things i CAN wait for:

_car repairs
_wisdom teeth [pulled]
_the Heat
_Summer classes
_indecision
_frustration of feeling complacent
_the fucking Heat
_spending too much $$$
_anticipation slash anxiety

ok, i'll stop whining now.


Good times ahead, along with some bad, and I'm ready to begin.

. . .But even so, say you did,
Say,
you

Loved me, Hard and Tender, just the way I Like
Cherished me, Slowly, never breaking
Held me firm, taking me -inside -out -up -down -all the way around -front and back
At: your side
In: your heart
On: your mind


I, yes, will surely come; every time you..... arrive.

I was reminded of choice.

It is mine, no one else's. I choose whether or not to:

react, and just accept what is given,
or
I can choose for myself, to acknowledge what has been done, and what I can do to be better.

"I can make choices about what to let get me down and what to let go. I can be fierce and proud in the face of great adversity. I can live my life until it's natural end because it is mine to live." -- S.

Thank you.
I remind myself of this from time to time, and I know it well enough to get back up, and find my way back.
But I cannot stop thinking, asking, inquiring, hoping, hunting:

When will someone choose me?




That decision, I can not control.

that it's Friday 13 and all i did was reminisce.


every sad song played
it'll trace your face
and i'll hear your smiles.





you were bad luck from the start kid.

i was sad and all that, blah blah..
now i'm just angry and frustrated.

i'm a dawg without a bone.

and i REALLY really need a good bone. so badly...








tee-hee.

I think about how far I’ve come [how long it’s been] and I’m okay.

It looks like I’ve made such a mess, but it’d be boring with nothing to clean up. [chuckle] And now I know many things I didn’t before.

I used to be so afraid, so fooled. It’s hysterical to think the things I feared so much, that hurt so bad, are to blame for my growth and strength and intelligence and will.

When you’re at the bottom, there’s no where else to go but up. Cliché. And relentlessly prevalent.

I have dreams now.

No longer about surviving, or making it to tomorrow. I can really dream. And that’s so scary and unbelievably magical at the same time.

I can not believe I’m here, right here and now. I need to remind myself of where I’ve come from. I’ve gotten so caught up in all these little things; things I wouldn’t even DARE to be concerned about. I was unwaveringly focused, but only out of worry and fright. I’ve gained my own sense of myself, but I’ve been relaxing long enough. Now more than ever is it time for me to focus and take advantage of opportunity.

It is still unimaginable to me: where I was to where I am. From what I did to what I am doing. Who I knew to those I know. And even though I’m more impulsive and spontaneous, or less focused, I don’t have much resentment. I can live by myself and uphold a sense of righteousness and well being. With reason to desire contentment without irrational selfishness.

There are still issues to work on, but just to have the chance, and know how valuable it is; that is almost as fulfilling in itself.

When I thank God, I try to not forget all the difficulties. Having issues with dependence, trust, abandonment [just to name a few] are what make this worth it.
Debt, low income, entry level work, “some college”, and then some. It’s all appropriate. What’s the point in starting at the top?
And I can’t even get started with intimacy.

It’s been time to sleep over six hours ago.

But it is just to remind myself; there is a reason.




P.S. – Don’t forget to REST! [smile]

that's all i have left as part of Apple Inc.

I am already an official cast member of the Disneyland Resort.


but sadly, i have to say that I am overjoyed to be leaving the Apple Store in the Brea Mall.
i hope I will leave on better terms, but as of today, I could not be more ecstatic to not have to deal with some certain people in the store.

I should transcend and not put so much focus on that situation, but it's at the front of my mind, and I cannot let it go, BECAUSE i give a fuck. or did..

sometimes i think, hmm, maybe if i was less of a good person and more like a shit stain, i'd be able to enjoy myself at everyone else's expense.

sounds like a good two day plan to me.

my maturity and dignity have been dismissed and i have lowered myself as of tonight...... but i could not be more satisfied.





[instantgratification]

I have read articles supporting Proposition 8 and they express a lot of opinions and not much fact.

SO LEMME EXPRESS MYSELF ON THIS SITUATION:

The issue is not about marriage: marriage is solely based on a religion, but we are free to believe what we want, and not everyone carries the same faith. (It seems people are forgetting that part.)

The bigger issue is discrimination, and people setting rules for other people.

If sexuality were a religion, would you still try to keep people from practicing their proclaimed faith, or RESPECT their way of living?

If the rules of the game are not inclusive and equal for everyone then they should change.

They should change so that we CAN include everyone, rather than push people to the side.
That would be discrimination.

We have seen it throughout our history before.

Bottom line: if you do not agree with who a person is, then you need to check the book you are reading out of, because the FACT that myself and my family alike have been created and placed here means WE are supposed to be here.
Everyone is different, and we all have a purpose.

Honestly, I think homosexuals should start a new mode of sanctimonious union, a new faith that supports people regardless of their classifications or endeavors.
Ideally, people would conclude that kind of faith to be called Christianity, or some form of it, but if they preach that "God" has determined a certain type of person to wrong for being who they are, then that is DEFINATELY a faith that I just refuse to follow.

My God loves anything and everything, regardless of what they undertake. That is God's purpose; we believe in God for support and guidance and love. It is NOT God's purpose to discriminate or belittle a person into changing who they are or loathe oneself; that would be abominable.
Who are WE to decide that change?

Who are we to use God as a tool to bring fear and pain to any people with differences? For that, we must be shameful.

We base our laws and jurisdictions on beneficial and positive resolution.
How can we decide to keep a certain people from benefitting as others are able to?

The belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman is an opinion. Forcing that opinion on everyone else sounds like a breach of the right to religion.

Marriage is not a law, it is a belief. The laws pertaining to marriage only apply to heterosexual couples, but homosexuals are just as concrete. You can not change the people, that is who they are, so you MUST change the laws.

Denying a person the right to love another person, just as anyone else is willing and able to love, is flat out discrimination.
Denying a person the right to love another person because of WHO they are is just disgraceful.

Some people need to review the morals and rights of the country they live in, and with that determine new ones that are equal and inclusive for every person in this nation.
Setting up laws to keep people from living the way they choose would seem unpatriotic to the highest degree.

This is not an argument, it is chastisement.

i finally put in my two weeks notice at Apple.

distraught understates my feelings. i remember blogging about my first day, i was so excited..


today was an uncomfortable, awkward, enlightening day.

long hours in the car.

i felt a rush of sentiment a couple times, totally off guard, but i stopped myself, took a breath.

it was all bittersweet, happy, sad, blehhh!


gotta stay proactive, make an impact, enhance our current state.

there's so much to be done.
and with that said, i should head to bed.


oh, and this is borderline, um, EMBARRASSING, but i have to do it, for myself AND rhe:
"Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?"

:)



[kismet]



ps - i don't have a car for the next two days, and for some reason i feel like a child.. no car, no money, no independence.. i have a newfound fear.

i feel somewhat uncomfortable and awkward, but not because i am distressed, just because i was caught off guard.

the water rolls hot off my chin.


but i can not thank you enough for this.
i hope i will find a way to somehow, someday.
i love you.





ps - i apologize for being defensive at first. i was not expecting you to be so understanding and supportive. and no, i mean no offense when i say that. to worry is to care. just sucks when the caring is red and angry. nonetheless, i am grateful.

plain old summer day,
pretty mediocre,
but with so many urgencies just on the morrow, i felt somewhat motivated.

and i'll take motivation any day over the the perpetual procrastinate-stress-rush cycle.




but to sum things up:



-it is time to take action. it has always been. there is no need to wait when so much is available and unoccupied. time for new [unprecedented] prospects.
waiting, taking it slow, playing it safe, is just wasting time.

you can't win if you don't play.
and you can't just sit reading all the rules either; you'll learn them in the game eventually.
but that does NOT mean make uneducated decisions!
weigh your options, if they're in your favor, what have you got to lose?



-justice. truth. love.
no, i wasn't watching sailor moon... it wasn't on today.
it was just inspiring and reassuring to see how these principles prevailed.



-"to go in peace.."
i'm not quite sure that is my goal.

i am willing.
and if i fall,
then at least i was not just sitting down, settled or suppressed in the face of such tribulation.

proaction.



- tea. are. aye. en. ess. see. ee. en. dee.

rise above.
there is no longer an excuse for discrimination, especially if you are of a higher intelligence and capable of rational reasoning.
yes, we are able to determine differences with simple perception,
but it is the next step,
the interpretaion, which can be mislead,
and then judgement.

any and every single detail can be detested, but that is decided by one person.

to link negative or peculiar aspects to these features that make up and are a part of this person is a step too far. it is disrespectful, inhumane, and there is no beneficial cause other than caressing a person's ego, selfishness, and insecurity.

yeah, okay, you've heard it all before, and yet here i am writing this shit AGAIN!



-grow up

too much energy is expended on things a person can not control. that's petty.
it is not worth it.
be better.

stoptalkinshit.








aaaaaaaaaaaand goodnight.

i just posted an entry that was emotionally rigorous to write, even though many people probably won't get it, but no matter, it's mostly for my mind anyhow.

but i just had a thought. I put some passion behind it, and it led me to write this one:




Sometimes, or a lot of the time, I just want to argue with you.

I want to yell and scream and break you to bits. I want to tell you how horrible you are for/to me and what you should change about yourself so that you might be better than the terrible person you are. I want to make you cry out after you realize such horrible things. 'Because I care'


But mostly because:
1) I just want to see if you are capable of putting aside your ego and pride for once,

and B) to see what you'll do about it. Are you gonna fight back? Fight for this?



Let's see how much you've learned and grown in your experience with relations. I'll start:



fuck you. fuck your mother. fuck your little brother. fuck your pet gold fish.
just fuck yourself, cuz you won't be fuckin' with this anymore.




[This is me being constructive]

I am embarrassed to start writing this.
I do not know why, mostly insecurity of sounding cliché,
but to whose judgment should I be concerned, especially of someone who would judge so inconsiderately.

I am tired and should be asleep, but I have to tell.
There are so many things, and it is beyond overwhelming,
but it is causing unbearable discomfort.
Almost immobilizing.

There are so many people I have not told:
how much I appreciate you
how much I depend on you
how much I love you

With that, there are other things I do not tell:
how much you take advantage of me
how much you do not care enough for me
how much you do not know about me

That would be the basic dilemma.



All the little things, pretty much amounts to that.
Why am I alone or feel like I am?
Maybe because I have not found a good reason to depend on anyone.
Maybe because I have not found anyone good enough TO depend on.
Maybe because I have not seen anyone follow through for someone else and remain discouraged.

Discouraged would be understating the situation.

This may all seem completely vague and cryptic, but I know it. I know it all too well. You should understand. You SHOULD know better.

But you don’t.
Because I don’t tell you? Probably. But maybe if you were less selfish and really did care about another’s well being, you’d try to make sure, somehow.
Show how you can give a care.


Also.

There are some people leaving.
Some people that I really do care about. I care about them more than they know, but that’s okay. It is okay because they are happy on their way.
I just wish they could know, then maybe they would appreciate me, or act out of reciprocation.
That would be grand.

But it is not easy to tell them. I wish it could be, but it is the hardest thing I can never do.
I think part of the reason it is hard is because I do not want to just speak the words and have them hear it; I need them to feel it as well and understand. I need to communicate it in a way to assure that they will fully comprehend every word I tell.

And I am afraid.

If I cannot do that, then it is not worth telling.

But how can I anticipate a certain response if I do not initiate? Or, should not it be mutual enough so that they can at least have the slightest inkling,
that maybe, just maybe, “this person loves me.”

Damn, makes me wonder who I may have left without proper closure..
How my ignorance and selfishness has come back to greet me.
Oh, what a wrath to have befallen.

dizzang. a while is an understatement.

but just had to express some concerns and thoughts briefly:


so, work is now work. that's it. woohooo . . .

uh, bravo is shit. always has been, always will be.
and yet, that man was STILL able to sway my passions.
he is truly is the nicest man i will ever know. but not in a healthy way.
something, there's something, it's not right, and yet so far from being wrong, you can't attack it head on.
curious.

school is dead.

summer is coming. again. this one better be more eventful than the last.

it's time to grow up. not all the way, but i need to pick up healthier habits. yes.

twenty.
2nd year ending.
slightly defeated.
seeking motivation.
still hopeful.
(whiny as hell)



with that said, my wishlist:

A BREAK!!
more money
new apartment
new schedule slash agenda
new ***
new techniques
new endeavors
new frontiers
new me (such a homo answer)



[end transmission]

*Stocked nearly $200,000 worth of merchandise.

*Assembled two WALLS of iPhones. Blocks of 6 x 8 x 12 approx.

*Was asked a question by a customer (to which i could not disclose)

*Got my spiffy nametag!! (That's when i REALLY freaked out.)

*To top the night off, they handed free versions of Mac OS X Leopard to all the newbies at the end of the night!! Yee!



aaaaaaand those aren't even the interesting parts:

--What's black, red, and sticky all over? My hands after stocking: black from dust and red from not realizing I was bleeding.

--The fire alarm went off, and I looked like a dumbass.

--Everyone I met, i INSTANTLY forgot their names.

--Looking like an imbecile registering my work account because i couldn't recall SHIT!!

--I thought I lost the key to the back cage, and subsequently my JOB!

--I could have died probably more than twenty times due to maceration between moving walls, laceration of an artery from a box cutter, or plummeting from a ten foot drop. All opportunities arose more than once.

Oh the stories of a first day.


All in all, i have to say, i like it.
a lot.
yay.

Can't wait to go back tomorrow!!



And now, i'm going to pass out and get the most out of the gained hour on this..
the evening of daylight savings fall back.

I just got pulled over. For no reason... For "weaving" at 1:30am. Pshhhh!

I'm not drunk, I have no tickets, I'm clean! Get off my ass! Needless to say, he tailed me for what seemed like twenty minutes before he put on his lights... and I was literally one block from home!

Anyway... Now, I'm home, when I wanna just drive. And sing.

Double-You Tea FUCK?!

Wow... I think I'm channeling my anger from one situation to this one, but it's better. I can express SOMETHING.

I think I like being angry and frustrated more than mopey and sad, cuz then i get this drive, it's like false motivation, with an unhealthy initiative, but hey, it gets me through.

Okay, um, good things...

-Just bought John Mayer Trio... good. great. goes well with the Village Sessions. my collection is complete!
-Took my first exam in poli sci. could've done better, but now I know how the tests will be.
-Got to go home for the weekend! Highlight of, like, forever!!
-I'm genuinely tired at the moment. I may fall asleep at a decent hour and stay awake tomorrow.
-Freinds coming down this weekend for Disneyland!! And maybe a dance workshop, i dunno, we'll see!
-i DIDN'T get a ticket for no reason!

That's, uh, six to like a bagillion. No, there aren't that many things that are dejecting me... It just feels like that. Damn, i'm too emo. Julia, help me! OH! That was another fun thing:
-Laying in Craig Park with Jules by the water, with iPods, reading Harry Potter. Refreshing..... definately.

Alrighty then. Blogging more. Good? Bad? whatev. Idle prattle. Hahahahahahaha! Good one.

Another incidence. As if the first one wasn't enough. This is vicious. It's voracious. I can't help but feel sorry. For you.

You need to shut it all the fuck up. Just take a second, and think about what you're speaking on. Oh, you don't really know, do you.

I don't want to let you slide anymore, but for her sake, you'll get off. Adult? Pshh, i have more maturity in my mothafuckin' pinky than in your whole humpbacked conformation.
So, regardless, ima let you know. You need to hush all that noise, because what I have to say is real, the truth, and I KNOW y'all are not ready for that. Wicked.

See, y'all just want to keep hiding all this shit, huh. Like everything is ice cold, and what you do in the back is okay.. But you're unaware of how much I know. Ya dirty, triflin, nasty nasty! I can fuck it all up so easily, break your everything. Lies you lay around to maintain in vein.

And i SWEAR to you, you keep coming up with this twisted shit about us, i'll come right back at you, rip it out, and smear it all over your faces, so that neither you nor them will ever forget it, and all that stank will never wash out! I'm not just takin' it there, i will drag your face all the way through.

Destruction. I've never felt so violent. I want so much to lacerate your spirits, just to rend you purposeless.
That way, you can make it easy for the rest of us and persist in silence.

It's not hate. No, that'd be giving you too much of myself. This is me taking care of mine. You don't FUCK with any of it! My kin. Are you serious bro?! Because you have no clue. NO clue. This is coming. Just for you.
Cunt-licious.

Here's your head start.